Tyler Bailey's "Perdition"

To start off I will go ahead and say that this was not at all my type of poem, but I still enjoyed it. I enjoyed reading this poem for many reasons. It was kind of a dark, slightly depressing poem, but it still worked. The poem has a theme that everyone can identify with, loving and loosing. The story is told well, and I don't think that I got lost at any point in the story. He also uses some great descriptions, these enhance the story and help me to imagine it. Another thing I liked was the way that the structure of the lines, from long to short added to the poem.
There are also several things that I think could make this poem better. I really believe that the wording in this poem is outdated and a little fake sounding. It doesn't seem natural. I think if the poem had more modern day or even just normal speech it would work. For example in line 6 when it says countenance, it just seems like it's trying to go above the readers head. I'm sure many people know what the word means but it just seems like the word appearance or looked would have worked just as well. Another thing that just doesn't work for me about this poem is the way the lines seem so cluttered. If the lines were cleaned up a little I think that the poem would work much better.